Joppette - Joppette - Quit Smoking Journals

Seems like it's been a long time
By Joppette on April 14 2012 at 7:51 am

56, Female
MI, United States
Member Since: July 25 2002

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Since I was last here. March 19. Wow. On April 4, I went to the ER (3rd trip on two weeks) for heart palpitations, dizziness, confusion, chest pains, and extreme fatigue. They checked it all out. The good news! My heart is a good, strong heart in great health! Yeah. No issues at all with cholesterol, arteries, valves or anything else. They sent me home that night knowing I was going in the next day for chemotherapy, the beginning of Cycle 2 (of 4), treatment 1. But at 10:30 that night, they called R and said that my hemoglobin was not good, and it was likely they wouldn't do chemo the next day. It was at 7, and normal is 12 - 16. When I met with Dr. B the next day, he asked me to describe my health since the end of Cycle 1. I kept notes, and in my usual organized fashion, began to go down the list of side effects. I was having everything from hearing disturbances, to optical migraines, to blurry vision, numb left foot, neuropathy starting in the finger tips, and on and on it went. I had some of these five years ago, but only towards the end of four months of chemo. This was happening right from the beginning.

He finally decided that the regime I was on was too strong for me. He was disappointed in that it was the first preferred treatment in their arsenal of defense. But he said we couldn't do that one anymore, and would have to try a less effective kind, but still effective enough. Hmmmmm....

Anyway, he cancelled chemo, and set me up to get a blood transfusion. It wasn't bad, just bag after bag of blood hanging from the IV pole, until they think I got enough to be able to walk out of there. And I did. I felt really good for two days! I had chemo treatments, lots of doctor visits, another trip to the ER, and finally last week, when I went in for another treatment, I asked the nurse if she could look at the last 3 Blood reports. I felt that there was something bigger going on, and that just looking at the current report was not telling the whole story. When she compaired 3 weeks worth, she saw that something is going on with my bone marrow.

My main complaint was that I was so abjectedly tired. I hadn't driven a car in months because I nod out, with out warning. I could be with friends, talking away, and then zonk out for no reason. The last report showed my hemoglobin at 9 only, and she said since the transfusion it should have been up at around 12 to 14. But my white blood cells were way below the normal as well. A lot of things on the report were way below normal.

So she let me leave with instructions that if I have any of these symptoms this weekend, I am to take my blood work report with me and go to the ER immediately and tell them I need another transfusion. In the meantime, she has me set up for another blood evaluation and transfusion on Monday if I can make it that long.

I'm just going to stay home, rest, and try to avoid that emergency room. That attending doctor (small hospital near where I live) knows me by name now, and the nurses pop in to say hi when I come in! Monday they can see what is going on and help me to feel better.

It may be that they will tell me that my body can not take any more chemo therapy. I've lost 35 pounds since early January (and I'm not a big person), and can't gain a pound. I am eating fairly well, but still.....

So what if chemo is no longer an option? A part of me will be relieved. This has been nothing short of torture since it started. At the same time, it means that my options for fighting my lung cancer just got shortened significantly. I guess we go back to the "statistics" which are that there is a 50% chance my lung cancer will return again within five years.

I could write on and on and statistics, and how people are not numbers, and on and on and on....

But I won't.

This I know. This I can take to the bank. I have one day. I've said this here at least a hundred times (or more, and sure as heck am not going back to count LOL). The only day I know I have is today. All of us are terminally ill. When we were born, we began the process of dying. So there's this one day again. What can I do with one day?

As it is now, I try to do things around what I can't do. I have girlfriends that can take me for a quick little shopping trip. There's a small group of us that are studying a good book together, and they said they can come to my home from now on, rather than me trying to get out and drive when I can't. I can still mentor others with the same disease, but just from my couch and phone, rather than across a table at a coffee shop. It still works. I can still have fun, but just in smaller stints! I am the same person I was before, just a person that does things differently than I ever did them before.

As each day goes by, I say goodbye to it at night, and thank my God for it. I say that if there is another day ahead, that he lead me in how that day will be. And I can find JOY even in all of this.

My husband took me out to shop for a new pair of jeans last weekend. I CAN always shop. LOL. They have the little electric carts, and I can zoom around carefully. I've learned to take the corners with care because I have clipped them short before and sent a carefully laid out display all over the floor in a flat second! Anyway, when we got to the check out, the young lady there said to me "how are you today?" before she looked up at me from her work. When she saw the cart, and the oxygen tube on my face, her next unbelievable response was "well, obviously I'm doing much better than you are, but I have a horrid cold, so you might want to not touch anything I've touched."

My world stood still for a moment. How could she say such a thing? Just because I'm on oxygen, and riding in a little cart, does not mean that I'm not doing good! And how dare she compare my situation to hers when she knows nothing other than the obvious of what she sees? I thanked her for the warning about the cold, and told her that I obviously was having a much better day than she was because I didn't have a nasty cold to deal with. I wished her a "get well soon", paid for my jeans, and on my way out hit the hand sanitizer thingy, and went on my way.

Anyway, I'm gong to end this for now. I have one day and it is going to be the best day I can make of it. The statistics don't matter, because there are so many other factors in our crazy world that can change our future in a second, that I'm not living or hanging on to a statistic. And after I get my blood transfusion on Monday, I hope to be feeling a ton better.

Judy

Living with lung cancer since 2007, and still doing it! Smoke free.
QD: 12/3/2004

Message by jenbo

on April 14 2012 at 8:27 am
Location: Canada Joined: July 15 2007 Posts: 906