Well I'm back and it's not because I'm here to say I'm wonderful and the quit is going great. Unfortunately I have started smoking again. I'm so upset with myself and now it has a hold of me and I know that I'm already sick of it and sick of myself for letting this happen.
About a month ago I had my friends 30th and I drank and smoked. I guess that is how it started it must have triggered something in my brain. I didn't smoke after that not until a couple of weeks ago. There was a stressful situation with a friend and it brought back all of these memories and pain. I was watching a friend suffer through an addiction to pills, and cigarettes as she is pregnant. It horrifies me, it scares me, made me angry, sad, all of these emotions that I didn't or don't know how to deal with.A friend who, wow- I really never thought this could have happened too. It brought back pain from younger days and watching a loved one's family member ruin their life through addictions. It was a dark moment and it was tugging at me, the smell, the craving and I caved. I don't know how else to say it but I gave up for a moment and then I was sucked back in.
I started by having just a couple before bedtime but over the last week I'm up to a pack. Of course I'm hiding it, no one really knows except for my sister who smokes also.
I'm sorry, I need prayer, I need to be here and read. I need the light bulb to go off in my brain before I get too far into this. I need to start my quit over again.
I knew that I needed to come here and talk the moment that I started having the thoughts of smoking. However something kept me from it and now I'm here. I am going to start this over. I am so sorry friends. I know this will only cause pain, sickness and guilt.
I hate them, I hate this addiction, I hate all addictions.