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First Time in the Real World
By Nadja Goertz
on January 24 2011 at 1:09 am
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21, Female
Arcata
CA 95521, United States
Member Since: April 15 2010
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Well, I'm experiencing real life on my own. The term "economic recession" has new meaning for me. I feel like the sparkles have been zapped out of my eyes! My twinkly naivete is gone, gone, gone. It's been... 5 months since I last wrote. A lot has happened. I'm hurting now in a lot of ways. I'm learning to hurt and still live, and on a good day, I still love.
The most relevant note is that I am smoking again. What could possibly have driven me to this?
The Bad:
1. I can't get a job.
2. I can't get a place to live.
3. I can't pay for my own food.
4. I can't wash my clothes.
5. I can't depend on anyone or anything to help me deal with this emotionally and psychologically.
6. I can't pay to fix my van to pass a smog test (repairs would cost over $1000.00), but I have to to complete my CA registrationor if I want to get rid of the damn thing!!!
7. I can't fix everything else wrong with my van--front brakes, headlights, short in the electrical that's draining my battery...
8. I can't just stop and relax somewhere and take a day off. Everywhere I park there's a time limit or it's illegal to sleep in your car... most places it's illegal to sleep anywhere, regardless of the fact that sleeping is an involuntary human necessity!!!
9. I can't sleep anyway, because I'm up all night worrying.
Ugh. All I know is I want to quit smoking. I have to be honest about my stressors if I'm going to really quit. And QSJers, I really feel like the uncertainty of my future is so bad that I want to kill myself--slowly, puff by puff. Who cares how my lungs look, how my skin feels, how my teeth yellow, or how my breath stinks? I really feel defeated. If I can't get a job, even a pathetic, minimum-wage, bottom-of-the-totem-pole job, even though I spend hours EVERYDAY sending out resumes and applications and asking people and looking my best and putting on a happy face, if I can't pull myself up by my own boot-straps, how can I lift myself off this nicotine crutch??? Tobacco's all I've got, really. It's the only thing I'm certain of. It's my only certain future--death by incineration.
All this sounds very dramatic and negative, but I insist that I'm trying to be thankful for what I have.
The Good:
1. I talk to my family every week and get some good laughter in.
2. I have had the privilege and honor of working temporarily for a lodge-owner who let me stay in a room for free!
3. Even though it might not be fully legal, my van still functions and I can drive around.
4. I have my bike, so I can conserve gas and get exercise while looking for jobs and putting in resumes.
5. I am in pretty good health.
6. I don't have pets, children, or a boyfriend, or anyone else who could be dependent on me. Thank God!
7. I have been accepted into Humboldt State University, so I'll have somewhere to go in the fall.
8. I manage to get food from food stamps and the food bank, so I'm not starving.
9. I am very skilled at everything I try. I won a game of pool Friday night, hoorah!
So there. Life is GOOD, Life is NOT BAD. I'm just afraid, that's all. Fear is all in the mind. Fear is imagining bad outcomes from situations you don't understand and have no control over. I have no idea what's in store for me, what this all means, who I am or who I am becoming...
The Take-Away: Every I want to smoke, I'll ask myself, "Nadja, do you REALLY want to kill yourself? Are you so far gone, are you down for the count? ARE YOU DEFEATED?" and I will see that cigarette as a loaded gun with a hair trigger, my tar-black, diseased death sentence.
What does not smoking mean to me? It means that I am alive, I want to live, and LIFE IS GOOD. Life is good, damnit, even if it fucking sucks ass....
Victory with every tobacco-free breath I take!
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Message by JuniaSE
on January 24 2011 at 3:21 am
Location: Sweden Joined: December 25 2008 Posts:
1051
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Wow! You are so strong! You are in very very difficult circumstances and you fight the fight of life and you don't give up. With that kind of strength I believe you will be smokefree whenever you decide. Praying for you!
WONDERWOMAN - living in the moment <3
QD: 03/13/11 at 9pm
Totally Nicotinefree: 07/23/11 at 4.15pm
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Message by Earlz
on January 24 2011 at 11:16 am
- moderator
Location: United States Joined: July 16 2002 Posts:
11621
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Nadja I think that some of us have been where you are including me but you have some thing I did not have you have a great positive attitude and a plan, stay focused on what you want and you will achieve it. One day you will look back on this time in your life and be able to see that you learned some very valuable lessons from this difficult time.
There was a time that I worked picking oranges, slept under the orange trees and had oranges for breakfast lunch and dinner, every time I think life is hard I just think back and then I know life is good.
Protect the Children
Quit Date 11/19/2000
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Message by ChinHi
on January 24 2011 at 12:04 pm
Location: United States Joined: July 06 2002 Posts:
25399
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wow what an experience you are going thru. your attitude sounds good. Stay strong.
KCL = Keep Choosin' LIFE
"Never leave another quitter behind" by BTBASSER
Namaste
Mahalo Karyn and lindy our SHEROs
7/25/01
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Message by skipper8
on January 24 2011 at 1:53 pm
Location: Canada Joined: July 02 2002 Posts:
12291
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(((hugs)))) - keep knowing in your heart you ARE going to be alright 
~~The time is always right , to do what is right ~~ KTQ ~~Kathy
QD- 21-11-11 :)
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