Kat_fairykats - The Road Less Traveled

Then and Now
By Kat_fairykats on July 22 2011 at 10:15 am

58, Female
TX, United States
Member Since: January 25 2006

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This is a repost from when I was about a month and a half quit in 2006. When I read it just now, I was amazed (and enchanted!) by realizing how far I've come. If ever there was proof that The Promises of Recovery are True, this is it. As Peter always says, our peace does come to us!

I’ve been thinking about and feeling unsteady over what I wrote in Stacia’s journal this morning. When I looked up “envious” on Dictionary.com just now—to make sure I said what I meant to say—this was top of the page:

Feeling, expressing, or characterized by envy: “At times he regarded the wounded soldiers in an envious way.... He wished that he, too, had a wound, a red badge of courage” (Stephen Crane).

Wow.

Okay, so I am not the only one in the world who’s ever, at times, envied something painful and bad for me. Not an exact analogy but the symbolism fits.

I think it is time for me to bring some things out in the open and kind of meander around in my head for a bit. Feeling grungy up there.

I miss smoking. I loved smoking most of the time. I loved the feelings I had. Seems this new life I am attempting to carve out for myself doesn’t fit well yet and so it makes me miss what was familiar and comforting. I’ve been asking myself today why am I feeling the emptiness so strongly, why the envy of Stacia’s cig, what is going on? I’ve not been very good to myself last week or so—not treated myself—and I think I’m feeling deprived. Poor lil me lol

See, I know enough by now to realize that, even as I am having all these junkie thoughts, the soul recognizes truth and right. Of course I am feeling deprived and out of sorts if I am not taking care of my needs. Well, not to get all psycho-babbly here but I think I’ve hit the nail on head. So I am at work with a hot cup of rooibos tea and doing this therapeutic writing and thinking.

I stopped smoking for the ‘wrong’ reasons….stopped mainly because I was going to be spending intimate time with a new non-smoking friend I had never met. Once I got into the quit, I realized it was a full time job and so I’ve not even felt comfortable enough to travel or be with new folk or really do much of anything except   h a n g   o n   t i g h t

So journeying on, I am. Swimming with the current mostly but at times planting my feet like iron. Dizzy and ditzy half the time—this is one of my fav cartoons and it speaks volumes.

lololol that's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :)

Oh I'm so glad I am a part of this group....we ROCKKK!

"When you quit, your forevers will come to you."

Message by Kate on March 14 2006 at 12:01 pm
Location: United States   Joined: July 28 2002   Posts: 2309   Profile Search Quote Delete

You rock, Kat!

I understood your comment in Stacia's journal completely, but the example you found of envy really hits home. The emptiness hits home too; I've been slammed with work and school these past few weeks, with no time or energy to take care of myself, so it makes sense that I'd be feeling empty, too.

Keep being a good example and such a kind cheerleader!! (And don't jump - the altitude can be killer!)

Kate - Raggedy Ann in a Barbie-doll world!
"A woman is like a tea bag. You never know how strong she is until she gets into hot water." Eleanor Roosevelt

Message by Peach on March 14 2006 at 12:17 pm
Location: Canada   Joined: January 06 2005   Posts: 2078   Profile Search Quote Delete

I so identified with what you said in this post and Stacia's post, I too am envious of someone who has a cig. I really miss smoking too, sometimes during this quit I think well I will just have one and then quit again. But like so many of us, I cant quit at just 1.

We really need to take some time for ourselves dont we? I mean the kids, hubby, work, school, housework will still be there right? so lets take some time for us. It just dawned on me this morning, I think, that I am the only person in my "adult life" that doesnt smoke kinda bittersweet. But I know Im doing this for me and no one else.

I sit here at my computer clinging to life on this site. I honestly do, I look for new people who have found us, and read what is going on in everyone else's life in here as well. It just helps me get thru my "down" times.

Im so glad you came here to do your post Kat, Im so "relieved" that I'm not the only one who feels like this.

Pam (Hugs)

Smoking Stinks!!

Message by Vlinder on March 14 2006 at 12:24 pm
Location: Netherlands   Joined: July 08 2002   Posts: 10212   Profile Search www Quote Delete

This is what you LOVED Kat.......a KILLER!

Elenor

Message by Vicki on March 14 2006 at 12:41 pm
Location: United States   Joined: June 28 2004   Posts: 3207   Profile Search Quote Delete

Kate, I too understand that comment and said about the same thing. We new quitters have a love/hate relationship with our addiction right now. There are times when we are lonely, stressed, angry, feeling empty that we think back on them fondly. I too enjoyed smoking for the most part. The thing is I know that it is slowly killing me both physically and emotionally. It's a real fight isn't it?
Vicki
Quit July 15, 2007 10:30 AM

Message by stacia32 on March 14 2006 at 12:58 pm
Location: United States   Joined: February 05 2006   Posts: 1165   Profile Search Quote Delete

Kat, I'm so sorry that my post made you feel envious at the moment, but when I shared it, I wanted people to see the pain and frustration and remember that...not that I smoked. I do feel so much guilt, pain, insecurity, sense of failure, and low self-esteem when I cave and have one. It isn't even worth it, and it makes me feel worse not better. You are right about doing stuff for yourself that will reward you. When we feel totally deprived, we want to indulge ourselves with our old comfort of a cig. Keep hanging on, you are doing so great. I want to be like you when I grow up.

Message by Sherrie on March 14 2006 at 1:11 pm
Location: United States   Joined: October 07 2004   Posts: 652   Profile Search Quote Delete

I can relate to you. Your post made me think about when I first got sober in AA. and about me quitting smoking also. Thanks for sharing. Stay strong, the fog will clear and you will see things better in time. ( This is what I am telling myself to)
Today is a good day,because
I woke up I didn't hear organ music or smell roses. God has given me another day.
Sherrie    AKA Stick Lady

Message by Missdaphne on March 14 2006 at 2:21 pm
Location: Canada   Joined: July 30 2002   Posts: 8986   Profile Search Quote Delete

It is a worthwhile pass time to write about exactly what it was that you "loved" about smoking. I found that most of what I thought was real about smoking was illusion. I was very confused about the feelings I had as a smoker and then as a new nonsmoker. It was a real learning experience to write about it.
"Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon." Don't know who said it first but I like it.

Message by Cynthie on March 14 2006 at 7:15 pm
Location: United States   Joined: October 07 2003   Posts: 5060   Profile Search Quote Delete

Kat..do you suppose these feelings are what we have conditioned ourselves to believe? Just remember while all these thoughts are floating around in your head..that eventually you won't have this longing..I know it may seem like a distant dream..but I promise...if you keep holding on..with time..and perservance..You will have peace from this head game ..You will know you can do things without this crutch. I promise..with time..all this pain.. and discomfort will be a distant dream..and you will really feel the freedom that you deserve to feel..

peace to you this eve~~

Cyn
Free ~ 06/04/03
~Knowledge speaks,but Wisdom listens~ Jimi Hendrix

"When you quit, your forevers will come to you."

Message by TASHIA1959

on July 22 2011 at 10:33 am
Location: United States Joined: October 08 2010 Posts: 2882

Profile

www

Quote

Is that a BAT I see??????

LOL!

You crack me up!!!

Thank you very much for the repost!!
I liked the analogy you came up with with the soldier...
and your comment .....
Seems this new life I am attempting to carve out for myself doesn’t fit well yet
strikes home with me!
Will I EVER fit into this new life I have planned for myself?
Sometimes I really wonder....
Sometimes I feel like a fat dog trying to fit into a tight pair of pants!

I chose freedom on: 2~3~12
The only difference between try & triumph is the 'umph' You put into it!

Message by Babs

on July 22 2011 at 9:01 pm
Location: United States Joined: November 16 2006 Posts: 10173

Profile

Quote

Great Post Kat!

I was not here then...
You were my mentor at times.

Thank You!

Not One Puff Ever and
Keep a Sense of Humor.
Babs ~ 9/15/06

Message by ozzy

on July 23 2011 at 2:17 am
Location: South Africa Joined: February 10 2009 Posts: 3889

Profile

Quote

great post. You said something the other day about 'making quit a number one priority'. I think, for me, I let myself down by pushing my quit further and further down the priority scale as time goes on. I need to keep it at Number 1 until I find my peace, and even then, stay on guard.

Don't dream up thousands of reasons
why you can't do what you want to; find one reason why you CAN.

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