I almost convinced myself that I could be an old lady version of Erin Brockovich. All my problems must have been attributable to those 105 chemicals from the tank farm of a gasoline manufacturer, behind our home, the home where we raised our children where we smoked around the pool and barbecued with friends; where on the other side of the brick wall was a sign. You've seen them. The ones with the skull and cross-bones. These warned of birth defects if the dust was breathed and other horrible consequences of trespassing on the railroad and gasoline tank farm property behind our wall. We happily attended little league, were scout leaders, business owners, held block parties for the 4th of July, children's parties nearly every week in warm weather, where we puffed away and relaxed with the children, rather hoping they would grow up to be the kind of people we were. All those horrible, unjust physical and emotional problems we hid in the closet, could not have had anything to do with my husband's and my heavy smoking! WRONG!
The different causes of this lung cancer have been checked - the summer I was 13 and I installed asbestos insallation to earn money for camp, ain't the culprit either.
The emphasyma (mild for which I am truly fortunate) and the cancer are caused fully by MY CHOOSING TO SMOKE. So many excuses I gave myself. So many forms of denial.
Now the children come to give me comfort and care as I experience the aftereffects of my first of many series of chemo therapy combined with nuclear (something or other) and radiation. I'll loose my gorgeous thick hair. Mom always said it made me look too young; it will grow back and then in September, they'll do radiation therapy on my brain and I'll loose my hair again, this time it won't be expected to grow back. My rosy tanned skin and mischievous blue eyes are now about the same hew of grey. and would you believe, I feel like I am doing absolutely great. Sure I cannot tolerate any chemical odors. Chocolate cake and tea are only two of the things that make me throw up every time I even smell them.
If you are thinking of quitting, DO IT. You may never have to realize what an enormous favor you have done for yourself. Know in your heart that smoking does kill, eventually, you.
If you are thinking of slipping back, Take It From Me; The Price is More Than My or Your Loved Ones Can Bear to Pay ! and really quite hard to find forgiveness for the pain I am causing them.
My love to all of you fellow quitters and those hoping to quit as well.
You help me every day in so many ways
Keep your Quits. Nope (Not one puff ever)
54 days quit
My youngest daughter is a librarian/teacher in the Minnesota schools and I find myself wishing that I had factual information. This is an excellent school system with smart children! I have read that cigarettes have over 3000 addictive, poisonous or dangerous chemicals, (but I don't know how this has been proven). We need a reference for these kinds of "facts". I need to picture a chemist testing a cigarette 3000 times and finding arsenic and other deadly poisons. I find myself wandering how long it took to isolate all those ingredients. The fact is though that ONE deadly chemical is one, way too many. (Forgive my grammatical errors).
My doctors say I only have a five percent chance of being alive when these children go into the ninth grade. I will be so lucky if I am still around. My grandchildren are coming this week end to visit me. There is a wedding planned for September and they want to take my pictures so that the people there can feel that I am there. I was supposed to lead off the dancing at the reception. I have trully had such a beautiful and full life, but still, it is hard not to cry when I think that I may miss these moments that mean so much to me. Moments in the lives of those I love so very much. (there are alot of them) Even though I CHOSE to smoke with my husband, I NEVER believed that it could result in death. I think it is hard for any of us to imagine that we might ever die. I never imagined what I was doing to myself. I can hardly imagine it now as it happens.
If I can leave one thought it is to love, cherish, respect and take care of your minds and bodies. Treat them as well as you would another who you love. If some of these children do that, my death FROM TOBACCO will have a meaniing.