|
Scared and alone...& it's been forever!
By Kaylie
on April 18 2012 at 10:25 pm
|
32, Female
PA, United States
Member Since: March 11 2008
|
|
« Previous Entry
Next Entry
»
Dear friends I once knew, and hello to new friends I hope to know!
I joined this site looooonnnnngggggg ago.
I may have been 27 at the time. I am now 31 and I am returning because I need help because I have not quit smoking.....I've tried patches, gum, cold turkey, slow cooked turkey, a reward system....
I am a disciplined academic, for those who know me I graduated with my Ph.D. August 2010 and have moved to my third city since I first joined this site jumping through the hoops of academia. I am on my second year as a postdoctoral fellow. If only I were able to transpire my love for my career into a love for myself to guide me to stop smoking, lose weight, and stop over indulging in all I know is wrong for me.
I am scared of dying. I have thoughts I am dying...bc I am slowly killing myself. Yet, I continue to smoke.
I'm scared and I have no support and the time I have been away I've made the excuse that I've been to busy to consistently focus on myself, participating in this site, and to some extent there is truth in that I've been strained to the point of a nervous breakdown March 6th 2010...& yet had I been setting limits and making myself a priority perhaps my life would have been different.
Do you know I don't and never have EVER owned an ash tray. I use soup cans, pill bottles, anything...all part of the denial that I am "not a smoker" though it's no news flash that I am-though I don't like people to know this about me-and for a great deal of my life this is a private affair I have with Marlboro lights in a box.
I'm scared. I do not want to die. I have been having existential crises over my death for quite some time now...when I was younger I suspect I felt similarly (I'd have to go back to read my journal though I am ashamed to even do that after all this time).
Scared. The only plan I have right now is to STOP smoking in my apartment. My nightly routine is to respond to emails, work, and smoke...chain smoke out of my window. My apartment reeks! I bought air fresheners and candles. I plan to clean from floor to ceiling with bleach...and tonight I forced myself to walk outside and I had one cigarette instead of the 1/2 pack or so I would have normally had on such a night.
I'm scared and looking for my old buddies (you know who you are) and new friends to take this journey with me bc right now I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I see my lips thinning out...I feel scared...and I think "I will die" and of course inevitably I will...lonliness is my strongest trigger...I've been alone moving from city to city so long now my life is own blurry stream of memories.
Scared and alone.
Kaylie.
|
|
Message by hollyo
on April 18 2012 at 10:40 pm
Location: United States Joined: December 08 2010 Posts:
3335
 Profile  Search
 Quote
|
Do you have access to counseling or group support like either a Celebrate Recovery Program or Nicotine Anonymous or any twelve step programs...or could you get the Big Book for nicotine anonymous (I think you can buy it on their website) and study the twelve step program theory. You're a smart learn-ed individual...spend some time educating yourself on addiction, addiction recovery, how addictions differ w/different personality types, triggers and trigger replacements....so much information out there, there's got to be something you connect w/that will help you succeed in your quit!! Honestly, after nearly 15 years of study and so many many quits, I finally began to figure my own needs my own addiction, my own triggers my own way to quit. Chantix did it (w/alot of other things) for me, twelve step program theory and the study and practice of it also helped me, learning many many ways to distract myself and replace my anxiety feed from a drug w/better habits. It can be done and you can do it!! Find a support system, I think you need more than one...find them they are there...everywhere!
hollyo
quit date 12/10/10
One Day @ a time
relapsed; 11-12-11
New quit date 1/10/12
|
|
Message by skipper8
on April 19 2012 at 7:27 am
Location: Canada Joined: July 02 2002 Posts:
12293
Profile Search
Quote
|
Welcome back...one step at a tIme...You can do thIs.....goIng outsIde to smoke and comIng here are two great fIrst steps...
~~The time is always right , to do what is right ~~ KTQ ~~Kathy
QD- 21-11-11 :)
|
|
Message by hollyo
on April 19 2012 at 9:47 am
Location: United States Joined: December 08 2010 Posts:
3335
Profile Search
Quote
|
RYN I just feel I have been in your shoes and I am if nothing less resourceful. I have felt great hopelessness at times regarding not only my addiction and overcoming it, but I also struggle financially and suffer w/extreme anxiety, been diagnosed as dysthemia after some altering phases of life happened about 7 years ago. It's getting better and I think I am finally healing out of it, but sometimes in the midst of it all's I had was smoking...and it was disheartening and gross. I just smoked one after another...and God just led me to being a quit-aholic and I have spent alot of time learning to quit and about quitting. Kinda my hobby, lol! It finally worked and I have had success and it's great...and it has given me so much back, healing, financially, physcologically, strength and courage! Don't give up, just start over!
hollyo
quit date 12/10/10
One Day @ a time
relapsed; 11-12-11
New quit date 1/10/12
|
|
Message by hollyo
on April 19 2012 at 9:49 am
Location: United States Joined: December 08 2010 Posts:
3335
Profile Search
Quote
|
I started being a quit-aholic when I was 30, I just turned 53 and I'm finally making it...don't wait as long as I did to figure it out...don't waste your health or your money ... pour yourself into it...then just do it!
hollyo
quit date 12/10/10
One Day @ a time
relapsed; 11-12-11
New quit date 1/10/12
|
|
Sorry, you can NOT post a reply.
This link has been locked by the administrator.
|
Journal Locked)
